Definitions:
– Habitus: The concept of habitus explains how social norms become embedded in individuals. An individual’s habitus develops in response to the social sphere in which the individual lives and acts: a space termed the “field”
– Field: The social sphere in which the individual lives and acts
“…As people respond to the circumstances within which they live, they become accustomed to those particular responses and, over time, repeat them with little to no conscious awareness or choice–whether or not the conditions that first made the response appropriate actually pertain. Bourdieu’s [cited author] preferred example is “the small, quick steps of some young women wearing trousers and flat heels” which have become habitual because they are required when wearing short skirts and high heels. In this way, the habitus prompts us to act in certain ways without needing to go via the mechanism of conscious thought and rational decision-making. Instead, the habitus operates through the mechanism of embodiment. We understand the norms we obey through acting them out. We do not think consciously about them, and consider on each occasion whether to comply with them. Rather, we comply as a result of prereflexive, habitualized action…what is at stake is whether we become certain sorts of people, how particular discourses construct our identities. Thus, MacKinnon quotes a woman coerced into pornography: “You do it, you do it, and you do it; then you become it.” …an individual’s range of possible actions is already suggested by her habitus. If her habitus and field are aligned, what an individual feels included to do will match the expectations of the field in which her action takes place. There will be compatibility between action and expectation, and the individual is unlikely to be aware of, or consciously assess, her actions and dispositions. Individuals are thus very significantly influenced by the surroundings and structures in which they live. As individuals tend to remain in social contexts in which they feel comfortable, their habituses are reinforced and tend to remain constant [this is one possible explanation for Gloria’s preference of dressing “feminine” because she “just likes it”, I’m not saying that sardonically by the way]. It follows, moreover, that the social structures that influence an individual’s habitus will be strengthened over time as individuals act in ways that are suggested by, and serve to reinforce, those structures. In other words, in the absence of the kind of dissonance between habitus and field that can lead individuals to become conscious and questioning of their dispositions, systems of disadvantage are unlikely to be disrupted by those who are disadvantaged…”
From Pages 53-53 in Sex, Culture, and Justice: The Limits of Choice, by Clare Chambers
That was long.
My point is that I don’t have access to the kind of dissonance (other than online on this blog) between habitus and field that would help me become conscious of my own disposition. What do I really want to wear, or say, or do? I don’t know. I feel like I’m a product of my socialization, and without socialization, I would be nothing. So when I can’t help but wear makeup, for fear that others will judge me if I don’t appear “feminine,” it is because I don’t myself realize if I want to dress up or not. All I know is that many people appear to not take me seriously if I don’t. Sometimes it feels uncomfortable to dress up. Other times, it’s nice. I don’t know what I would naturally be disposed to wear or say or do, because it is impossible to find a dimension in which I can explore what is comfortable to me outside of what society dictates.
Maybe for certain individuals, the meaning of “comfortable” itself cannot be exclusive of societal dictates. I think perhaps I may be such an individual?
Really interesting post, still trying to wrap my head around it completely. (nice blog, by the way! i dig it.)
Anyway, I feel what you’re saying, I too feel very pressured to dress/look/act “feminine” – and even though I resist these pressures as much as I can, I still often feel very uncomfortable doing so, and I don’t know why, really. For example, not shaving my legs – why do I still feel so damn self conscious every time I go out with hairy legs and shorts, even if it is just to go to the gym? but i continue to do it anyway, with the hope that i can undo some of my previous socialization and maybe get accustomed to new norms and comfort zones that i choose and create for myself?
With regard to your final point, about being unable to examine your own desires independent of socialization – I would agree that to do so is impossible – for anyone. We are all the product of our socialization, and would not be who we are without it; whether we accept our socialization, or actively reject and rebel against it – it plays a significant role in informing our conscious and unconscious thought, desires, and yes, comfort zones. But I think that while the meaning of “comfortable” itself cannot be entirely free from social dictates while living in a given society, I think that it is possible find room to move within these parameters. For example, if I feel a desire to dress or act “masculine,” while I may not have the vantage point to determine whether this desire stems from my independent disposition or is a reaction to past socialization, I can never the less attempt to create a new comfort zone for myself in this realm. While this is not independent of socialization and does not escape the categorizations of society, I am at least stepping outside of the comfort zone society has dictated for me and attempting to create a new comfort zone given the social context in which I live.
Ideal? Not at all. But its the best I can come up with given my socialization and the society in which I have daily interactions. Basically what I am saying is i think that (1.) submitting entirely to the comfort zones dictated by society, and (2.) finding comfort zones entirely independent of social dictates – is a false binary. perhaps it is more feasible to attempt to occupy the middle.
this is a really good post, i think i’ve been struggling with this a lot too. as someone who has been constructed as a straight white male, i understand the the larger societal structures that influence my life. while wearing tight girls’ jeans and a pink scarf at a small liberal arts college is almost expected for someone like me, in my conservative little suburb of philadelphia, i can’t get anyone to treat me seriously unless i dress as a real man would dress. most of the time, i am completely fine with not being taken seriously, because those people who treat me differently based on my non-conforming to their gender norms aren’t people i typically want to associate with anyway. but sometimes it is nice to not have a hundred eyes bearing down.
when i ask myself whether or not i am doing something because it is “comfortable” or because i have been brainwashed to perform this action out of habit, most of the time i can’t answer honestly.
“Sometimes it feels uncomfortable to dress up. Other times, it’s nice.”
hm, i can relate to this statement, and i think it’s important to take away from this post. nobody lives in a social vacuum, so in some way, we are all products of mainstream society, and we can never fully separate ourselves from what society tells us should make us comfortable. so deciding from moment to moment how we feel, as long as we are fully conscious of the causes and implications of our gendered actions, i think it’s best not to dress up when its uncomfortable, and to do it when it feels nice. deep down, we all know when something doesn’t feel right. so i think i’m gonna try to go with that feeling more often.
First, let me address Ben:
“If it is a respect and seriousness founded entirely on the basis of you wearing make-up, is it a seriousness worth earning?”
– it is not a respect and seriousness founded entirely on the basis of me wearing makeup. my thoughts and ideas have much to do with it too. it’s just that people will be less alert when im talking to them, and less inclined to take me seriously, if im wearing boys’ clothes. and these are not just sexist drones who are programmed to discount anyone who is breaking a social norm. even i take people less seriously if they arent dressed properly, be they men, women, ungendered, or identified with another gender. and i am a hard-core feminist. it is a subconscious habit. i doubt that even you are free of making fleeting first impressions based upon somebody’s affect. we all do it. im just more aware of it.
you are speaking from a position of privilege. this could be why it is so easy for you to say “oh just find a good middle ground and go with it.” first of all, finding a middle ground is a soul-searching process that can take years. second of all, being within and defending the middle ground is an exhausting battle.
i agree with your statement: “In this way one can recognize the irreversible part society plays in constructing us, while simultaneously acknowledging our freedom to rise above it.” you dont fully appear to appreciate how difficult this is to do in practice. i wanted to illicit, from my post, an appreciation of the struggle the disadvantaged (in this case, women, and particularly, me) have in challenging socialization.
another point: im not going to just dress “comfortably” just because some feminists say to do so. that is similar to dressing “properly” because the rest of mainstream society says to do so. both ideas of comfort are social constructs. both entail other people telling me what to do. i want to know what my body wants from me. it will be impossible to know for sure what it wants from me, but i can probably figure out some sort of estimate, after trying to listen to my body and attending to its contours, sweatiness, etc. this is going to take time. and i dont think ill ever be fully satisfied. im concerned that it’s a fool’s errand. these are all very real problems that *may not have a solution*! because an individual cannot live alone on an island and figure out what they want to wear or say or do! the human is social. and listening to society can be good.
as for your point, ben, about the sentence “So when I can’t help but wear makeup, for fear that others will judge me if I don’t appear ‘feminine,’ it is because I don’t myself realize if I want to dress up or not.” that i wrote, i would like to say that the sentence is really poorly written. what i should have written is “I’m scared that if I dress *nicely*, it’s because mainstream society is making me, but I’m also scared that if I dress comfortably, it’s because feminists are making me. I want to know how my body wants me to dress. But I may never find out, because my body cannot exist and survive outside of society, and it’s lack of total independence will result in my lack of total awareness for what it wants.”
thank you for your comment, Ben, it helped me become aware of some of my own undisgested ideas.
S and guckling: thank you for your thoughts. i appreciate your appreciation of the battle. let us fight as best we can.
i don’t think there is a way our bodies want us to dress. physical comfort enhances mental comfort sometimes. other times, social comfort enhances mental comfort.
appearance is purely a social signifier—in group terms and in sexual terms. there are ways to signal noncompliance with the dominant norms in a situation we’re in without detracting from our own mental comfort. it’s like those features in teen mags where they take one article of clothing and build one “classic” outfit, one “boho,” one “wild,” and one “rebel.” we can dress however we want, but our wants don’t just mean “blue shirt and yellow jeans,” they mean “accept me, blue-and-yellow tribe!”
i think the only way to resolve discomfort with our appearance is to find our group, be it radical feminists, anarchists, or metrosexuals, and treat our bodies the way our group thinks will help us achieve our goals or break free of other constricting social norms.
i don’t know. i’m advocating conformity, because it makes me comfortable. but the groups i feel good conforming to think we should consider our bodies and faces as something more than engines for attraction and acceptance.
n.b. i say this as someone who’s been completely obsessed with fashion since perhaps the age of 10, and also as someone who showers maybe every 2 days, shaved her head, and wears mostly hoodies and jeans. you can use your appearance to signify opting out (which in turn signifies your belonging to another group). you can dress nicely but still be dressing oddly, which helps me be comfortable (like the classic/boho/wild/rebel outfits—wear your cardigan with pins, not a pearl necklace!). i have to go to a lot of relatively “nice” things with my classy relatives in the city, so i’ve had to think about this stuff a lot because i do feel really uncomfortable dressing up in a white-bread way. it’s possible to have fun dressing up and do it in a way that’s consistent with my own comfort! just experiment.
ps also it’s kind of fun to dress nicely and really kill it, especially when you know, but nobody else does, that you don’t think you have to. particularly fun when conversation turns to politics or feminism—it says that you’ve mastered their shit better than they have, and you can kick their ass in terms of what’s right, too!
as far as makeup, this is one i can’t claim to be an expert on. i just like makeup! it makes me feel untouchable. i don’t usually wear it, though. i do use it to cover things i think are ugly, like pimples and undereye circles, and then i get carried away and do more of it, but i think i would hate it if it felt less optional. i also enjoy looking conventionally attractive for some reason, especially with my hair cropped. it seems sexier and very unattainable.
emili thank you for those comments. i think i probably agree with 1000% of everything you said (i only say probably because im exhausted and going to go to bed soon so i may wake up with searing criticism, doubt it though).
so i am changing my mind. i no longer want to do what my body wants (even though i still feel like my body wants some things more than others, like to be hugged by certain clothes in certain places, like i like things around my neck, but not scarves i hate scarves. but like collared fleeces that zipper up). mostly, my body will want what my brain thinks my social group wants, like you said.
One thing that I think hasn’t been addressed is the impracticality of feminine beauty. My biggest reason for wearing boys’ clothes is that they let me move. I believe women’s clothing constricts and prevents movement. In our society, women are not encouraged to use their bodies (unless in exercising at the gym to attract dudes) and their everyday clothing enforces that.
I work in the scene shop of the drama department at my school. Although the group of workers is about 50/50 men/women, I still see the women standing by when it comes to doing heavy lifting that I know they could help with. You learn by doing, anyways. Women are not raised to “do”. At least I wasn’t, even in my mostly egalitarian household. My brothers were required to help with yard work once they were about 13, while I stayed inside, usually doing nothing. However, I went to all-girls school at which I ended up playing the role of the boy. I ended up being the one volunteered to open the heavy, annoying window and was the one that did really well in the math and sciences.
Now I help build sets for the theatre at Vassar. Pants have always made sense to me because it’s hard to hang a light 20 feet up in the air while worrying that you’re flashing everyone below. And it’s downright dangerous to use a saw while wearing anything dangly. These tasks are part of contribution, but I think it’s wrong to say it’s the only reason I wear boy clothes.
I would say the opposite of your situation occurs at Vassar, orkinson. I think I take girly girls much less seriously than those who dress abnormally. I take pride in my weirdness. I think, the more I stand out, the more I encourage people to be different by being different the better. Of course, my style’s thought process wouldn’t make sense if everyone dressed the same as me. Basically, I am a rather stubborn non-conformist. The more you dress like everyone else, the more unique I feel.
first of all i want to thank everyone for participating in this. i really appreciate the confluence of thoughts.
on to substance:
what i want to do is value what i want (excepting some things like death and torture). i dont want to value comfort just because you said so (saying it this way sounds so offended and confrontational, and i hope youre not all completely put off by it. it’s just how i talk and think). it’s my life and i want to choose my own priorities. if i choose to value sexual availability, if for instance i really liked sex, i would like to be free to dress uncomfortably but provocatively. if i want to value a career, i want to dress professionally, in either gendered uniform (suit & tie or woman’s suit or whatever), which are both uncomfortable. if i want to value comfort, then i want to dress in sweats all the time. or change from day to day. i am multi-faceted with many values, why should i be restrained in my choices?
i want to be free to pick my values. this is where society comes in: mainstream society will only let me emphasize my sexual availability. feminist society will not accept me emphasizing my sexual availability. other societies will similarly constrain me. i will never be able to escape these judgments, so i will never know what *i* want. then again, the *i* is formed in contrast to and comparison with *them*, so maybe even having my *own* values is an impossibility.
i would, however, like to pick from day to day, how to dress or act or do things. and i feel like making a general rule about how to dress is just another way of being socialized, either by mainstream society, or our wonderful (no joke, i really like you guys) online society here on this blog, and being told what to value everyday.
you are right, irene, that comfort wasnt addressed at the time you made the post. i thank you for bringing that up. and thank you, ben, for being so nice and apologetic. i appreciate your critical eye, and even more than that, appreciate that you are not shy of applying it to yourself. i agree that it is more than possible to consider and evaluate what those first impressions are. and it is true that men will not see me looking sexy and come talk to me because they want my ideas, they likely want my body (i hate saying this, because im sure there are many men who wouldnt do this…but im gonna go with it). but that process makes them more likely to listen to me attentively when i *do* talk. and that is how the revolution can start…by taking ignorant people and transforming them on their own ground. of course, there are different ways of doing revolution, but i like this one (as a choice for myself), it’s more comfortable and looks to produce the greatest results. of course, it would have to end with me dressing however i want, at the end of transforming people over to feminism’s side. which is again a problem–i dont know how i really want to dress, or what values i want to internalize and project.
I was thinking more about this as I went to sleep last night. I can’t believe we haven’t touched on this yet, but the main reason I give whenever looks at my hairy legs and says “WHY?” is “Why do guys have hairy legs?” Why do I have to waste hours of my life doing superficial stuff that men don’t have to do. These beauty procedures are BASED IN SOCIETY’S GENDER ROLES. Right now, for me, to put on make-up, to shave my legs, and wear tiny clothes is to conform to those gender roles. I honestly don’t value the opinion of anyone who thinks I’m attractive playing that role. Or who thinks I should play that role. It is a double standard. If I’m going to please one certain group of people with my appearance, it’s going to be the people who don’t care which gender dresses how, they still respect my thoughts, appreciate my company, and generally help me grow to be a more accepting and caring person.
That said, it’s cool if you want to play the spy, Orkinson, and convert the ignorant on their own turf. I just feel that I won’t be able to do that until I establish my true identity, or with whom my loyalties lie (the aforementioned group of awesome people). Right now, I’m at a safe-haven of a college and I want to experiment with my identity as much as I can until I enter the “real world” and have to disguise myself where many more people will react poorly to my unusual attire.
Women’s styles have changed throughout the decades and have come a long way to just including pants. But I want it to keep changing, I just want to shake things up. I feel like any time I buy a tight blouse from the girls’ section I am submitting a vote for a clothing gender role. It’s taken me a while to let myself start shopping in the boys’ section of stores. My point is that I want to dress as crazy as people perceive me to be. In my ideal world gender doesn’t exist, nobody makes generalizations about anyone based on their genitalia or clothing. I want the gender game to go away in my head so I am removing it from my body.
irene, that’s really amazing and courageous and kickass that you’re able to do this. i am behind you on your decision. i hope your avid defense of your alternative lifestyle is not coming from a perception that im attacking it, because im not. i was defending my struggle, not undermining yours.
(ps i wear boys clothes a majority of times. atleast boys’ pants and sweaters, i dont like boys’ shirts. im presenting this information to make you able to relate to me more.)
=) Orkinson, I really appreciate you.
I suppose I’m just used to being attacked and this is the first time I’ve had a space to really think my logic through. I will make a better effort not to take things personally. We’re all struggling and might as well make each other feel nurtured in the process. I hope you don’t feel attacked either. I really believe I’m doing the right thing for myself and I just want everyone to understand that there are other options for existence than what they’ve heard for years. Thanks for being so supportive.
irene, you are awesome. i feel like i try to take radical shortcuts to eradicating the gender game and then try to keep a foot on the dock and one on the boat. i really respect you for getting in the boat.
orkinson, i don’t think the more “alternative” groups are as monolithic as they can sometimes seem. what about sex-positive feminism? there’s nothing wrong with emphasizing your sexual availability—in my mind at least, the subjugation or lack thereof is all in your head.
ooh emili ive never heard about sex positive feminism. ill look it up. i think ive heard something about it but everyone who talks about it in the stuff im currently reading says that sex positive feminism is bad and stupid…any recommendations for something short and detailed i can read about it?
irene, agreed. you are awesome. i dont feel attacked by you at all. i want to make sure that you know that i fully support you picking your values and doing what you can to fulfill them. it is such a tremendous decision. and of course, i will try to be as supportive as possible. i think we’re all doing a good job of using language that gets things across forcefully but also as companionably as possible.
Irene, I have to respond to this: “I think I take girly girls much less seriously than those who dress abnormally.”
Isn’t this our objection when dressing abnormally: rejecting not being taken seriously based on how we look? I think not taking the “girly girls” seriously is unnecessarily divisive — it creates yet another false binary, and pits women against women in a world where quite enough is against women.
I give off conventional girlishness; I am constantly pigeonholed as conventionally “pretty” (though reap none of the “rewards” — I have never experienced this “prettiness” positively, in relationship to others or in my private mind). Because men see a pretty girl (they can conquer) regardless, and because women see a(n imaginary and male-constructed) threat, I’m approached by men unequipped to help and ignored by women unwilling to face me.
I’m writing, of course, to iron out my own thoughts . . . I worry about solipsism in my quest to understand my own feminism. As much as I would love to surround myself with like-minded people and to enable my own comfort, that comfort does not ultimately interest me.
It should not matter if I do or do not shave. That is an attitude I can have — a nonjudgmental promise I can live. I can’t change the fact that the vast majority of people will judge me for not shaving. But I can refuse to judge others for not shaving. And I can change my own relationship to feeling judged. I am a woman — I will be judged. It is both wrong and true. I believe it is true for every woman I meet. Though I appreciate receiving, it becomes less important that I receive. I must radiate acceptance. Whether I am comfortable or not.
But my own unshaven legs do not adequately signal that I, myself, am trying to be nonjudgmental of others’ appearances. I wonder about adequate, readable signals. Even now, I can’t think of examples. Appearance is too inconsequential, appearance-based assumptions too destructive. Besides an overt friendliness, a cultivated aura of approachability (however ineffable) and an array of cleverly-worded pieces of flare, I just can’t imagine a visual signifier that advertises an attitude . . .
I don’t know. I overwrite because I am too silenced a woman. 😉
Decades of heteronormative training, genetics, and geography gave me this body and this set of problems. I’m wary of losing sight of the real issues; I’m wary of getting caught up in appearance myself. Perhaps there is a more stereotypical girly girl drone mindset out there I WOULD much rather avoid, but I have too much sympathy for women whose experience has taught them they cannot get what they want without putting on a literal mask. Daily. Women hurt in ways they don’t even understand. I am lucky I can disarm the internalized voices of self-loathing. Women are strong but they are strong despite a constant disadvantage. All of these groups need to participate in a dialogue. Women who do not think the way I do need to know my thoughts exist.
My comfort zone needs to encompass people I am glad not to be.
Let’s not take stands against each other yet. Start the conversation. Talk to everyone. Trust that judgmental women will avoid you. The others offer ever more diverse opportunities to practice your active support.
Take it seriously. Support women.
I think this is, at heart, what feminist conversations are about: to protest the history and persistence of sexism, yes — but beyond that, to provide women with the unprecedented support they deserve and to propose more accepting alternatives to such unacceptable premises.
C, you bring up a really good point. My main reason I felt compelled to utter the sentence you quoted from me was to provide Orkinson with another perspective, as she only felt respected when she was “pretty”. However, I now feel silly to have done this while dis-respecting “girly girls”. It’s a problem I have developed while creating a support system for my own deviance: this animosity for people who would usually be praised in the patriarchy. I’ve worked so hard to convince myself that the patriarchal system is seriously flawed that I end up disrespecting people that I think are tools of it, but who are actually just as much victims of it as myself.
The only way I learned to break the system was by spending time with people who taught me the womanist ideals I know today. So, it follows that probably the only way other people will become like-minded to me is by spending time with me. It’s hard, though, because I empathize so intensely with the struggle that people who are more like me go through that I want help them in any way. It’s hard not to see the people (those who support patriarchal ideals) who make me and my friends so upset as the enemy.
I want to get to a point of security with myself and my circle of loved ones that I don’t have to get defensive. I want to be able to talk to people who tell me I’m wrong over and over again without taking it personally. Maybe we just need more voices? An attack from all sides on the patriarchy!
The more people accept the information we know as a well-known fact, the more they will accept it as their own ideology. Feminist ideals shouldn’t be uttered or be anything to be ashamed of. I don’t think you “overwrite” at all, C. We need to talk to everyone and take feminism seriously.
hey C, reading your post, it sounds like you know yourself pretty well, and i enjoy your comments. i think, like Irene, that i have also fallen (ashamedly) into the trap of not always taking women who appear very “feminine” seriously at first. i definitely agree with you, that doing so pits women against women, and that is certainly not anyone’s goal (i hope).
“Appearance is too inconsequential, appearance-based assumptions too destructive.”
i think, in my experience, a lot of women who have stereotypically feminine (and socially constructed) exteriors are also the women who submit unknowingly to the patriarchy, but i know not every woman is like that. so i agree with your statement, by my doing that, i am simply further oppressing women who are likely just as much a feminist as i am. so i will definitely stop judging hyper-feminine women before having conversations with them.
i think everyone should make their appearance what they are comfortable with, because like you said, it is too inconsequential. i just hope that no woman feels compelled to dress a certain way for anybody but herself.
Irene,
Yes. 🙂
It is upsetting to see “girly girls” precisely because you work so hard not to feel how they must feel (which must only be compounded by their confusion as to why they feel that way). I think you should give yourself more credit. Own how secure you’ve already become. Wonder that you have an accepting circle of loved ones, and this amazing space to experiment more freely than most. Do not let it excuse you from reaching out.
You’ve said, “I want the gender game to go away in my head so I am removing it from my body.” Derive power from this removal. Let it infect your mind. Norms have denied you the infection you seek; do not deny yourself. We can talk about how norms limit your choices, or you can look at your choices as living proof that norms cannot really limit you.
It is feminist to consider all women allies. It is different to approach everyone with openness. Feel how loved you are deeply. You do not require more. Complete. Ready. Strong. Look different because you are different.
Be unlimited.
Then pay it forward.
To return to some of the topics in the original post:
There is comfortable clothing and then there is comfort, and I believe we mean to seek the latter. I sympathize with orkinson’s struggle, too, when she says sometimes it is nice to “dress up” (whether or not this means in a way that is pleasing to men; in her case it seems to please the surrounding community of women — a community that only takes the makeupwearers seriously). I’ve been developing a theory of cultural balm these last few weeks. I think what happens in many of these cases is that sometimes women like to dress up to apply a kind of cultural balm — like a psychic Lip Smacker. Because there is this pressure to adhere to a mainstream “feminine” physical ideal, giving in to that pressure indulges a very comforting habitual response. It actually becomes more familiar, and thus more comforting, to meet the convention than to wear, say, a moo moo. Can you think of a more comfortable piece of clothing? But compare that comfort to the pyschoemotional rewards of successful social conformity. To the scarring stigma that surrounds the moo moo.
Comfort.
Conform.
Conflate.
orkinson I’d love to talk more about this:
“im not going to just dress “comfortably” just because some feminists say to do so. that is similar to dressing “properly” because the rest of mainstream society says to do so. both ideas of comfort are social constructs.”
I would encourage broader definitions of dressing comfortably (what feminists, I would bet, are really advocating). This entire thread speaks to the intense and various discomforts women feel surrounding the entire convention. Our dressing is uncomfortable. Irene works very hard to comfort herself, to defend her own valid and brave choice to dress differently. It takes a lot of resolve.
But then consider Getting Ready with the Girls — those other, “prettier” victims of the patriarchy, straightening their hair, glued to their mirrors. When a girl commits to this hours-long ritual, what does she get? More time with her girlfriends. Women in her same situation, validating her actions, confirming her values. Assurance that desiring what comforts her is the sanest desire in the world.
If you reject the masks and trappings of feminine attraction, it is just as sane to avoid women who “give in” as it is avoid a chain smoker. Materialism is secondhand smoke. Consumerism is secondhand smoke. But then the Christian saying “hate the sin not the sinner” applies. You can think of smokers as lacking willpower, or you can think of them as diseased — infected by an addictive illness that will kill them. You don’t need to spend all your time with them, and you don’t need to adopt their ways, but have faith that you would never knowingly hurt yourself; you have access to information they don’t, or information they choose to ignore. You have your health. You have your values.
Cigarettes comfort smokers. We have all developed addictions to things that make us sick.
Feminism is empowering. Feminists need to be influential. Let your feminism afford you some of the comfort you seek. It is healthy. It is smart. It is readily available to the aware. It is something you have. Have faith that you can do hard work.
I’ve reason to believe hope is not too audacious.
The crux of all of that was to say, explicitly, that I think our need for comfort is very real, and that if what we are doing to comfort ourselves is not, to our knowledge, intrinsically unhealthy, let’s not judge that need or its manifestation. We can argue that the patriarchy is hurting the tweasers and the shavers among us, but if they disagree, they disagree. If it makes you feel better, feel better. It is luxurious to rub shaved legs against sheets.
Let’s not tear ourselves apart over the debate about what to wear. Wear what you wear. That is what men do.
guckling — Likewise. 🙂
The more I sense a hyper-feminine woman submits unknowingly to the patriarchy, the more I worry about her quality of life. These women literally cannot envision a freedom beyond slavery. They don’t see the bars over the windows. They don’t see the keys in men’s hands. To avoid them is to say, “Well, we lost them.” That’s why I think it is so important that feminists on the whole do not Otherize these women. These are the Othered women exactly. Some women are lost, and you can only pick so many individual fights, but rest assured they will all be lost if no one picks any.
This blog is killer, y’all.
C, you are a delightful human being. Your metaphors and examples are just fabulous. I’m still cracking up over your moo moo comparison (it’s so amazingly valid, though!). I hope you’ll keep writing here because, to me, these posts are both incredibly clear and powerful. Thank you!
ork –
embarrassingly, i didn’t take any gender studies or women’s studies or queer theory classes at school (though i did take a law class that studied the definition of pornography in depth), so i’m not familiar with any manifestos or foundational texts. i pretty much just absorbed sex-positive-ness from dan savage (i’ve been reading savage love since i was 12), and i absorbed sex-positive feminism from any number of fabulous internet writers, including tracie egan from jezebel (who i think has some huge issues, but she does make women’s sexuality in all its funky and freaky glory really visible). i developed a sex-positive attitude in reaction not to classical feminism but to the mainstream idea of sex and its accoutrements as insanely, intensely special. that really didn’t work for me—it distances you from your own enjoyment. it made me feel closed-off and doubtful, so i started thinking about maybe acting differently. and then i did!
here’s wikipedia’s resource list: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sex-positive_feminism#Further_resources
anyway. sexual availability indicates the potential for someone to come along and snatch you up. i think what i think is good and healthy is to advertise sexual desire. but you can do that in any number of different ways—aping sexual availability, i think, depends on what turns you on. some people like feeling available—i think ruling out availability excludes people who are sexual submissives, even just a little bit.
thanks emili!
and thank you everyone, for this amazing conversation. C, welcome to our blog, and thank you for your inspiring words. i dont even know what to say, you said it all.
I don’t have anything to add to this conversation but it was really interesting. Emili! I ❤ Dan Savage too!