I know a lot of feminists and female-identified people talk about the value of being an “independent woman” and the concept has certainly been romanticized and mostly accepted by the mainstream. But I feel that mostly the practice of embracing independence is purely financial and material– “I buy my own diamonds and I buy my own rings” (Independent Woman by Destiny’s Child). Rarely in the feminist movement I’ve studied have I seen a call for “women” to start doing the tasks that “men” are nearly always expected to know, as if it’s programmed in their DNA… I can’t count how many times I’ve had the exchange, “Maybe he could fix my car…” “Why? Is he good with cars?” “No, but he’s a boy.” What I want to talk about here is female-identified people taking the initiative to learn how to fix cars and bikes, help with plumbing and carpentry problems around the house, and any other things that have generally been considered “men’s work”.
Am I speaking from a certain place of privilege? That is: Am I behaving similarly to the white, upper-middle class feminists who called for the “right to work” outside the home when lower class feminists had been working for years? Call me out on it, please, if I am. But I’ve seen this dynamic everywhere in my life.
Through the years of my youth, my brothers were expected to help my dad outside, raking leaves, piling lumber, and generally getting sweaty and grimey. Besides through the complaints of my brothers, it was never questioned that I would stay inside washing dishes and cleaning the bathrooms… sometimes not even that. And I did not grow up in the most conventional of households–my dad was the homemaker and prided himself on it, while my mom worked 12 hour days, 5-6 days a week.
Many people of varying genders claim that “men” do this work because they have the inherent strength to do it. And, in a sense… of course they do! They’ve been expected to do it and have been doing it all their lives! From the moment they were born, people were throwing them in the air, giving them playful punches, and saying things like, “you’re gonna grow up strong like your papa!” This image is romanticized so thoroughly as essential to “manhood”.
There’s no denying that people born with penises generally have an easier time developing muscles. This is another justification for “men” doing the labor-intensive “men’s work”. But you do not need 10-inch guns to use a ratchet. You do not need abs of steel to lift a sheet of 1/2 inch plywood. You do not need to be 6 feet tall to give your car a oil change. Not to mention most jobs have been simplified by new tools created to reduce physical exertion! All you have to do is pick them up, ladies!!
You learn by doing. I am not a strong person. I am 5’4″, I can barely run two miles, and female-identified people beat me in arm wrestling all the time. But I can do “men’s work”. I will lift heavy objects, I will fix bikes, I will use a screw gun. I still need to learn about cars… regardless, I have developed a sense of how to use my body. And you can TOO if you do these things often. FEMALE-IDENTIFIED PEOPLE: stop making your male-identified friends do these things for you while you sit back and relax. Watch and ask him how to do it, or, better yet, try figuring it out yourself. MALE-IDENTIFIED PEOPLE: Don’t assume that your ladyfriend needs help. Don’t jump in and do the job for her for the sake of proving yourself capable or feeling like you did a good deed. If she asks for help, give it, but see if she wants to know how and teach her.
I am tired of the gender essentializing in the feminist world. If you have any desire to see the roles of “men” and “women” balance out, please pay attention to these seemingly obvious expectations of men and women. I, personally, want to stop relying on other people, namely, male-identified people, to do work for me. We throw so much money at these jobs, especially at shops that see women’s lack of knowledge on these topics as a way to extract more money. I’m not saying we should stop supporting these businesses. Especially if you’re short on time and really just can’t spend hours getting to know your car. But I think every female-identified person (and every person) should stop for a second and think about the things you expect “men” to do and fill those gaps of knowledge at least partially. I promise, it feels REALLY good. It’s exciting to use power tools and do it yourself! Ask someone you know for advice or lessons… ask me!… it’s a good excuse to hang out at the very least.
I agree totally. A large percentage of women (or female-identified persons I guess I should say?) don’t even know how to do the simplest tasks that every person should know such as jumping a car. I only just learned how to do this recently by watching another woman (who can fix just about anything and is an amazing person!) do it. Not long after I watched her, I ended up having to do it for a friend because in a group of 4 girls, I was the only one who knew how. My friend did it wrong at first (while I was just sitting around assuming they knew what they were doing) and she nearly killed herself when she completed the circuit and ZAP! It was scary.
Why aren’t women taught these things? And worse yet, why don’t they try harder to learn? Myself included…I should have learned long before I turned 21, and I’ve still never changed the oil or added wiper fluid. Those things are now on my to-do list.
Good points Irene!
One of my goals this year is to become really strong! But I also want to learn how to be more independent and stuff. We should have a skill sharing session to learn from each other (regardless of gender)!
Also maybe this website is of interest to people! It talks a lot about weight training for women. The gym doesn’t have to just mean elliptical machines. Free weights for everyone!
http://www.stumptuous.com/
Nice post, Irene. I was actually just in the car the other day with a female friend, on the way to a Renaissance Fair, and we got a flat tire. I had no idea what to do, I was freaking out, and she was just like, “Um…I can do this.” And she did it. In like 5 seconds. Replaced the tire with a spare, and we were good. It was pretty awesome. She explained afterward that her dad taught her when she was little.
Irene: I have a friendcrush on you. That’s all I need to say right now.